Okay, so I lied a bit. But, I really wanted you to start reading.
So, this is not really a definitive guide to those questions like "I know someone who just got diagnosed...what do I do/say/help?" and for those who are on the sharp, pointy end of the cancer stick themselves.
But, if I fessed up and said I don't think there is such a guide, you might not want to open up the link and read. I know this blog may not be as interesting as juicy details about chemo side effects (one of my most popular blogs!!) and, of course, diarrhea jokes that the first-grader in us will ALWAYS giggle about.
Just a little advice from me to you…
I actually did some research on this. I book-marked a bunch of links. Then I deleted them all and figured I'd write from the gut on this one. You're all smart, you can find internet resources about how to talk with someone who has cancer (and actually, there are some decent ones out there).
In short, there isn't a right answer for any of this. No script for what to say, what to do, how to act--whether you're the one with cancer, or the one who knows someone who has it. It depends so much on the person, and even with one person I think it can all change day-to-day, and possibly minute-by-minute.
But, since several people have reached out to me with just those questions...so here's my best advice. Again, this is what worked for me...what works for you may be very, very different.
For those with cancer...
Take the drugs. Don't go all stoic and tough-guy. When your nurses say to take the anti-diarrhea drugs at the first cramp, and the anti-nausea drugs at the first tummy whirl, do it. Don't be any sicker than you need to be. Find relief when you can.
Shave your head. If you're on the type of chemo that makes the follicles flee, when it starts to fall out, shave it off. I found waking up to clumps of hair on the pillow and in the shower drain to be disturbing. I went to my trusted long-time hair stylist, took a couple of friends with me, and just did it. I did it--it wasn't something that happened to me.
Skip the internet vomit... and self-help books about what it's like to have cancer. You'll soon find out, and that shit on the internet can be frightening (and wrong). It made me worry about things that didn't happen, didn't prepare me for the things that did, and made everything seem way scarier. If you're a research-type person, and researching is your happy place or security blanket, just carefully consider the sources, and maybe even limit to a few.
Get your kick-ass cancer team. Find a core (manageable) team of medical A-gamers and LISTEN TO THEM. Make sure your oncologist and surgeon are smart and savvy, your chemo nurse is approachable and knowledgeable (mine was AMAZING), and (if you want them), wrap yourself with support services like a social worker and counselor (many cancer centers have free access to both!). If you're overwhelmed, don't drink from the firehouse of information, opinions, and options about cancer--just let them spoon feed you what you need when you need it.
Nest before treatments/surgery. While you feel still good, get prepared before treatments/surgery knock you flat. Set up space that you find comfortable and comforting (I dug out my childhood stuffed animals, favorite books, blankets), buy your barf bags and other chemo supplies (my chemo nurse gave me a list) in advance.
Do whatever you need when you need it. Get through each day however you can. If that means days on the couch in feety pajamas watching Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, or days eating a whole box of ring dings, so be it.
For those who know someone with cancer...
Listen.
Don't assume anything.
Don't make promises. Don't make sweeping assertions like "don't worry, you'll beat this" or "don't worry, your hair will grow in (and then tell them HOW it will look)"--unless you know for SURE. And, really, when you're dealing with cancer, there aren't many sureties for many people. Some people don't make it. Some people's hair never grows back. Also, I think some people feel compelled to make other promises like "I'll come visit you, or I'll sit in chemo with you, or fill in the blank". The person on the other end may really look forward to/rely on what you've offered--so just be gentle and realistic about your promises.
Listen.
Don't assume anything.
What worked Monday may not work Tuesday. Some people want to talk, some people don't. Some people want to joke about it, some don't. Some folks will want someone around when their heads are hanging over the porcelain bowl, others prefer to puke in private. And, that may change day-to-day. Be observant, listen, roll with it. For me, I really really liked those who had a sense of humor about the whole thing (the raunchier the better). I was less into those people who wanted to have serious conversations about HOW I WAS HANDLING IT. Diarrhea jokes, bald jokes, one-boobie jokes--all fair game. One dog training student of mine came to spend several sessions of chemo with me--and we laughed so hard we got put in a special room. Yeah, we got kicked out of chemo. How fucking awesome is that?
If you don't know what to do or what to say, that's okay. If you want to show support, but don't know how to interact with someone or maybe don't feel comfortable, here are a few ideas:
Send flowers/plants (or one of those flower-a month clubs), well, unless the person is allergic. Then, don't do that. Send fake flowers.
Blankets and soft pillow to cuddle up in are nice. And, really, can you have too many pink Fight-Breast-Cancer blankets?
Books, coloring books, paint by numbers, legos, puzzles. Some people appreciate things that involve the mind, some want mindless options. If you're not sure, a mix might be good--Daily Advanced Physics Problems and the Beavis and Butthead Joke Compendium.
Subscription to netflix or other movie-type channel. Because there are those days that even color-by-number is too much pressure.
If the person might be sitting by a particular window, set up a bird feeder outside the window. Well, unless that attracts bears...though bears might be cool to watch through the window too.
If the person is open to it, hiring (or doing yourself) out services around the house--housecleaning, garden maintenance, snow plowing, etc.
A care package of treatment- and chemo-friendly supplies...lotions, soft toothbrushes, lemon or ginger candies, etc. (there are some excellent lists of such needs if you google "cancer care packages").