So, I'll start with a warning.  This blog post may be a downer.

This week, for maybe the first time (and probably not the last I would imagine), I've really felt a sense of loss and limitation related to this cancer thing.

I think it may have started with my follicles.  Sick of watching my hair leave me in clumps and starting to look SICKLY--in the shower, on my pillow, running my fingers through it, I asked my most awesome hair dresser to just shave it off.  At the time it actually felt GOOD--taking control, doing something a little daring.  It was a badge of this fight I'm on and I went in public the days after without a hat. And, several people said I have a very nicely shaped head and actually don't look too bad bald.  :)

But, I think there were other feelings attached to that that I hadn't really wanted to acknowledge--loss and limitations being the big ones  And, every time I looked in the mirror (which I still try to avoid and I even wear hats at home a good portion of the time), the bald head was a real (scary) reminder that yes, I HAVE CANCER and well, I don't really know what the journey or the final outcome will be.

And, that happened to coincide with loss/inability to do the things that have been a big part of who I am, what I do, what I love, and what drive me.  Things I have had to put on hold because of my treatments and health, and simply because a lot of the time I'm too damn sick to do them or I'm so fucking tired that I don't have the physical stamina anyway.  That's been one of the most significant side effects--that I can only do so much before I am exhausted and sick...errands, cleaning, working, my business, taking care of my dogs, being available to friends, husband, and family.  It's like I only have this much smaller reserve of me before my body whacks me in the face and says "NO MORE."

My dog training business had been taking off gangbusters and I had so many plans for the upcoming year.  My classes were growing, filling easily, and I was in a groove. Suddenly (mid-class session) I had to cancel classes, and I am struggling to barely sustain my limited lecture schedule.  I don't drive that anymore--cancer does.  Not that I wish ill will on other dog trainers (even if they are competitors, and I'm really competitive), but I have to admit it's been a downer hearing about their new programs, exciting opportunities, and new clients (some of them mine)...having to refer new inquiries to others.  Even though my supporters (thanks!) assure me this is a temporary thing and my business will bounce back, I feel like it's eroding before my eyes.  AND, I just MISS teaching and training--it was my outlet, an income, my passion. (though it's been amazing how supportive and encouraging my clients and past students have been about this not killing my business and that they'll be back with me when classes resume).

And my work with TDV (the therapy dog-related non-profit for which I am the volunteer Director of Training and Testing)...not being able to commit to helping like I used to, and missing teaching the clinics (which was really the only thing that I felt I was contributing to).  In a way it's a blessing that I have a team who can take over for me, but there's nothing like feeling like you're impotent, limited, can't commit and you have to give up the pieces you love and watch others take over. (don't get me wrong...I have a great team who has taken much burden and worry from me...I just miss not only being with the team but also those pieces that were my remaining contributions).

And, my day job--it's getting harder and harder to even put in a 6 hour day let alone the minimum 8.  I had to give up my more intense (rewarding), time-sensitive duties.  Sometimes I feel like a drag on my team, a lesser contributor, and it's frustrating beyond all get out to not physically be able to put in the hours anymore.  (But I do need to say how awesome my colleagues have been in so many ways!). I worry that I'm not able to be present to my direct reports sometimes.

And travel...one of the most important passions in my life...nope that's on hold as well.  And, I just learned that even after chemo, surgery, and radiation (which I thought would finish this process next spring), I've got a whole additional year of three-week cycles of drug therapy after that.  More of life on hold.

And, the inability to be there for friends, family, Tom, my dogs...sometimes just too sick or tired to even want to interact. 

I think I had some very stupid delusions (even though I had been warned by many--and gotten stern advice from my health care team that I better get used to slowing down and focusing on getting healthy) that I'd ignore what treatment would do to me, the very physical limitations it would put in front of me.  I'd push through, powerhouse the shit out of it.  Yeah, that's not really been working.

Okay, I'm going to stop whining here.  I told you this probably be a bummer and it's definitely not my best writing, more a core dump...

I think the next one will be more fun--and probably gross in a fourth-grade boy humor sort of way--I think I'll tell you about all the funky weird chemo side effects.  (PREVIEW...yes, you can have the runs, constipation, AND vomiting all in the same hour.  Yes, you can have extreme fatigue and insomnia in the same night.  And, then there's the weird shit chemo does to your taste buds!  It'll be a  gross-out, but hopefully funny, review of the best of CHEMO SIDE EFFECTS).

Thanks for reading...I know there's a lot I can still accomplish and be engaged in this year, and there are going to be some good lessons and new priorities coming out of this process, but tonight it's just feeling like a lot more loss and limitation.

I'll get back on the pony tomorrow...