So, the steroids I take to prepare for chemo (days before and after) just won the battle over the sleeping pills I took, so I'm hopped up, unable to sleep, and it's about 2am.  So, what better time to blog it out?

Warning: If you are grossed out by body function-related humor, or easily offended, you may want to skip this installment :)

Do you laugh at 4th-grade-boy-type jokes about farts? Fascinated by juicy details about bodily functions gone awry? Read on.

If you're interested in a candid, vivid, juicy journey through my chemo experience, strap in and keep reading. I'm partly writing this because I think it

will be a fun piece to write and share but I'm going to blame a good part of this on my friends and family--who have had many questions about what chemo is like and wanted to know the gory details :)  So, this is for you.

If you're in chemo or about to undergo it, I don't know if you'll take comfort in my details or run for the hills. I hope it helps to know what MIGHT be ahead--but please remember that everyone's side effects are different based on what drugs you are getting (mine is a particularly gnarly combination of 4 chemo drugs), their own bodies, etc.  So, my experience may be much worse than yours (or it might be much easier...)  :)  

And in no particular order, here are the biggies...

I'M BALD 
"hair, oh hair, wherefore art thou my hair?" (Shakespeare, adapted)
The great shiny bald is chemo's iconic side effect. My hair started to leave me about the second round of chemo.  We'd been together a long time and I was sad to see it go, but of all the side effects, I have to admit this one was not as traumatic as I thought it would be.  Though, it certainly is a daily reminder that I have cancer and sometimes that's a bummer--but it's also a badge that I am fighting and so I proudly go bald. 

To wig or not to wig?  I chose NOT to wig-it.  I don't have hair, and I don't want fake hair.  But, that's just my preference.  So, I have a nice assortment of hats for when I get chilly and that's done me just fine.  Otherwise, I'm content going head-naked.

Benefits and bright sides:  Losing my hair has spared me having to color my hair to avoid the skunk stripe of gray hair that is now my true dominant color.  I'd been thinking about growing my hair out completely gray and now there's no awkward phase of that gray line while it all grows out.

Related Tips: If you have long hair, think about getting a short cut before you notice anything falling out. It helps with the transition from lotsa hair to nada hair (and short hair tends to look better longer as it's thinning out).  Then, when you see it starting to fall out, take charge and shave it off.  Watching it fall out slowly, waking up to it on the pillow, and getting clumps of hair in the shower was worse than just going bald at once and by my own choice.
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MY GI SYSTEM IS IN REVOLT
"It's not very funny but it's very hot and runny diarrhea diarrhea..."
(for a hilarious assortment of verses about the brown wave, check out: http://diarrheasong.blogspot.com/)
My entire GI tract went into revolt about 5 days after the first chemo, and war wages on.  This gets the award of Most Unpredictable Side Effect. The two key players in this coup-des-stomache are Mr. Runs and Mr. Upchuck.  They take turns deciding when to stage their acts but Mr. Runs gets more air-time than Mr. Upchuck (due to the particular chemo regimen I'm on) but they're both fairly constant comrades each round of chemo.

Back to unpredictability.  Baldness:  I was warned my hair would fall out, and it did.  Fatigue--pretty predictable; I'm tired all the time. Taste-related effects--also predictable; everything tastes like crap.  
Mr. Runs and Mr. Upchuck like the element of surprise.  Just when I think I'm done with them for a few days (or a few hours), there they are.  And, I've never had the experience of sitting on the throne and then realizing Mr. Upchuck is about to make an appearance.  As a result, I've perfected the Sit-Spin-Quickly maneuver.

Benefits and bright sides:  I'd been wanting to lose about 30 lbs for along time now. I'm close to goal, as I've lost about 25.  I don't recommend chemo as a weight loss strategy, but it's certainly a bright spot in all of this.

Related Tips:  Keep drinking; stay hydrated. Do as your chemo nurse tells you--don't be afraid to use the medications you've been given--BEFORE you think you need them (lessens or even prevents these side effects).  Before chemo starts, make sure you have on hand (because once The Runs and Upchuck make appearances, the last thing you want to do is make an emergency drive to the nearest pharmacy) all of the drugs you'll need.  Buy toiler paper--lots of it.  Diarrhea makes your bum hurt; get Tucks soothing pads.  
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I'M SO TIRED I CAN'T EVEN SLEEP
“'I must be overtired', Buttercup managed. 'The excitement and all.' Rest then', her mother cautioned. 'Terrible things can happen when you're overtired. I was overtired the night your father proposed.” (Princess Bride)  

If I were to rank the top two worst side effects of chemo this would be one of them.  I'm tired--really tired--a lot. But, I often can't sleep. On the worst days, I sort of lay around for hours, with no energy but not able to sleep (sleep is welcome because at least I'm knocked out not thinking about how tired I am and all the things I could be doing if I wasn't so flat, and sleep passes the time).  Part of this is also not having much physical stamina. A trip up the stairs feels like I've done one of those extreme Spartan races.  Running an errand feels like facing an Everest climb.  It wasn't so bad in the beginning, but it's been worsening with each chemo treatment.  Thank fully there's only one more chemo treatment left!!

Benefits and bright sides:   Been stewing on it. Can't think of one fucking upside to this one.  

Related Tips: As soon as you can accept the limitations fatigue puts in your way, the easier it will be to accept these limitations.  Slow down on your commitments; you may be too tired to keep them and the pressure of whether or not you'll be able to can be really stressful. Have things you can do (like writing a blog, crosswords, or finding a favorite TV series) on the couch when you have limited energy; this helps you not go crazy from boredom.
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EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE &$*%!
"People who love to eat are always the best people" (Julia Child)

I think out of all of the major side effects to chemo, this one gets the Worst Side Effect award from me.  I love to eat.  I love food.  Pretty much all of the three-week chemo cycle, my taste buds are shot.  That means that food tastes bitter, and the texture of most foods is really off-putting. But, here's the cruel trick...food still SMELLS amazing.  But, when you put it in your mouth, you get the unpleasant surprise that it tastes nothing like what it should and nothing like what it smells.

Some of my most favorite foods have translated into the worst chemo food choices.  Goodbye pasta and all of my favorite sauces...one among many food casualties.  Good bye coffee, wine...

I do get a very narrow window toward the every end of each three-week chemo cycle when my taste buds bounce back and act somewhat normal.  So, for the day before and day of chemo, food tastes closer to what I remember it should be.  So, that means 24 hours of binging on pasta swimming in mom's homemade tomato sauce, with a side of meatballs.  

Benefits and bright sides:  Other than losing 25 lbs that I'd been trying to shed, the only other bright side is

that I have learned to love the super health food, the avocado.  Maybe they are so gross to begin with, chemo can only make them better.

Related Tips: Avoid foods you love--because when you taste them with chemo-taste buds, you may never want to eat them again.  Experiment with new foods--things you didn't like before, may taste okay on chemo.  For me, things with slippery textures (noodles in soup) were far more tolerable than rougher foods (like toast).  Also, sweet foods (there are weeks I've lived on ice cream) seem to go over better than non-sweet ones.  What I'm living on these days and what has become tolerable staples include:  Campbell's Double Noodle Chicken Soup, Hoodsies ice cream cups, eggs, Frosted flakes (dry, no milk), and avocados drizzled in sweet flavored vinegar.  
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