Actually, chemo has been over for nearly a month now (except for one of the drugs that I still need to get shot into my system every three weeks for a year--but that drug has very little side effects...yay!).  

But, sacred cow did this last round kick the holy excrement out of my system.  New side effects (don't ask, they were weird), the old side effects hitting really hard...and ending up being so weak I can barely get up the stairs.   But, normal and healthy will come back at some point.  Right?

And at that point, I'm going to party, travel, eat, drink wine and coffee, socialize, train dogs, and run proposals like the make-up-caked lead singer from a hard-rocking, hair-slamming, spandex-wearing 80s metal band.  

But I survived.  I friggin' survived.

There were a few things that contributed to getting me through chemo.

• Tom.  What more can I say.  I have a terrific husband who took great care of me and our dogs and who also shares my sense of humor on this whole shit sandwhich. 

• The flood of support from family and friends--from messages and emails, to Facebook messages, to visits while I sat in chemo, to care packages and cards.  Knowing I was on people's minds and that they were pulling for me.  At the same time, also understanding and respecting MY lack of response and communication, my need for space when I needed to just hang my head in the toilet bowl without company, and the crushing fatigue and lack of energy (for anything, including visits and phone calls).  And despite that, finding ways to keep in touch and stay connected in truly meaningful ways.

• The medical team and the chemo routine.  The medical team--from the sweet ladies who check me in for appointments, to the chemo nurses, to the doctors, to the hospital volunteers--were all so caring and attentive.  They made chemo as easy as it could be and got me through some really bad days.  When I first got thrown into the cancer care machine, it was overwhelming, but the routine became a comfort of sorts. 

Stage 1 is over.  Stage 2--boobie removal--is next week.  Four weeks after that, is Stage 3--six weeks of getting zapped radiation every day.  

My surgeon warned me that for cancer patients, the time after chemo, and especially after surgery and radiation, there's still quite a time of adjustment from the mental and physical process of battling cancer.  Friends and family may think "the cancer fight is done" when chemo is over.  But, they don't realize that there's this period of coming back to normal that keeps the person in the world of cancer.  
It makes sense.  After chemo was over, I wasn't in the middle of that fight, with all the medical appointments, the routine--with the tangible goal of getting six chemo treatments under my belt. I admit I've been feeling a little lost.

Now that I'm through what many (and I agree) is the worst part (in terms of side effects) of cancer treatment, I'm starting to uncover a new set of feelings. 

• Elation and a sense of accomplishment for getting through chemo.

• New worries...what will surgery be like and how will I feel about having a boob lopped off? Will that be traumatic?  Will I feel like less, like something is missing?  Will I get a fake boob or remain a one-boobie amazon chick? 

• Will my skill fall off from radiation? 

• WHEN will I be able to resume normal function (and those of you who are thinking "Did Deb EVER function normally?" can stop giggling now). Will I step easily back into the challenges of work (let's face it, I've had a reduced level of responsibility and hours...which has been kinda nice.) Have I lost my edge?  My work ethic?  Will I still have the same goals and desires for work? 

• A funny fear but one that is definitely top of mind....I lost 25 pounds thanks to chemo and that has been a joyous side benefit.  I fear as soon as my taste buds return and I'm not in the bathroom every five minutes that I'll be stuffing my face and will gain it all back and even MORE. 

• Has all of this cancer treatment actually worked?  Will I walk out of this cancer-free?  (That's a big one that I've not let myself dwell too much on).

Thanks for reading along with my meanderings tonight...we've certainly wandered over many different topics.

Just sign me,

Soon-to-be-one-boob-lighter and lit up with radiation Deb